I missed out on my first therapy session yesterday. Ironically enough it was because of my internship; they Psychology Clinic called in the middle of the day while I was there and I couldn't pick up. I was lucky enough to be allowed to call them back around 3PM, but the person who called wasn't there, and by the time I got there I wasn't on the schedule because whoever had to fixed whatever problem I had didn't put me on the schedule because of it. I'm probably not "really" depressed, whatever that means. But it's definitely hell trying to live like this on a daily basis. I feel like I'm running on empty. I'm tired, yes, but it's a different kind of empty. I feel like my soul is empty, raw, vulnerable. My chest feels heavy. My tired eyes will begin to sting at the creases from tears my body wants to cry. I sometimes feel that tightening in my throat throughout the day, even when I'm doing something as ordinary as driving or sitting in my study. I find myself often staring into space, not really thinking of anything in particular. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of every little worry. I wish I had someone. I'm not happy with the person I'm dating, and the only friend of mine lives 30+ minutes away and has her own schedule. I feel so lonely. I feel so stressed out. I don't know what to do. Johnny makes me feel like I am meek. And timid. And pathetic. And that this is all in my head and it's nothing to worry about, really. It makes me feel like he's belittling my feelings. Feelings may not be tangible, but they are real and they really affect me. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like the majority of my day is spent going through a heavy fog or white noise. Tension will build and I'll break down on a weekly basis. I wanna cry so badly. But I still have class to get through. And then my clinic hours later. And then getting my tire fixed. And then homework. I want everything to stop. Just stop. Give me time to collect myself. Give me time to rest. I want to be on autopilot. I don't want to be conscious on a daily basis. I feel broke. I feel pathetic. I feel meek. I feel like a failure as a person. I want to call into the clinic so badly. But just now as I started to think about doing this, all I heard was Mary's voice telling me that I have no choice, that I signed up for this internship bullshit and that those four hours are precious to me. It's only four hours Bryson! You can't handle four hours? If you can't even handle four hours on decent sleep then you don't deserve to intern anywhere. Everyone has problems, join the fucking club. You think you're special? Fucking please. You're just a pathetic little baby who can't handle anything in life. Just keep doing what you're doing; you're probably just gonna give up and kill yourself anyway, and if not you're gonna die at some point anyway so who gives a shit.