Most ardently.

My mind is in a lot of turmoil right now, so why not write a blog?

It's been nearly a month since my last post, and I blame my insecurity and perfectionist ways. I have tried to upload a post a good five or six times but I always ended up stopping because I thought they weren't witty enough, didn't sound right, or I just plain couldn't put up with them anymore, so I scrapped them. That, and I would go back after writing a sentence and keep changing everything around until I had read the words so many times I didn't know what sounded right anymore.

Regardless, here I am, and I'm gonna try to finish this post this time, and upload it, no matter how boring or uneventful it might be.

Speaking of events, there have been quite a few ones that have happened in the past month, so I'll give you a quick synopsis: January 21 was the Eddie Izzard standup show at the American Airlines Center and my attendance, as well as my friend Hannah and her dad's, was all as a birthday present from my dad (I don't think I've laughed so hard, I was weezing by the end of the night); January 22 marked the first time I had ever given blood at a blood donation, and it certainly won't be the last. Funny fact, I found out I am more of a trooper about needles and blood then my own boyfriend! (that, and I found out that I am A-); January 23 was a not so happy day, but a big one still, since it was the first time I had taken the SAT test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except the Guyer* kids were really getting on my nerves (oh, and in case you were wondering, I got a 1570 on my test :D )
The following week on January 28 was my eighteenth birthday, and I'm not being melodramatic when I saw it was quite possibly the worst birthday I had the misfortune of having; however, I won't go into details, because that is being melodramatic. Two boring weeks went by, and lo and behold! my boyfriend is finally able to visit after not seeing him for about 6 weeks, even though he came one day and left the next. This was this past weekend for Valentine's Day, and I'll have you know a teddy bear, card, box of chocolates/candy, and flowers for the holiday are still very much appreciated <3

Oh and I almost forgot to mention, last Thursday and Friday were both snow days in which my area recieved over 6 inches of snow. Now this wouldn't be a very big deal if it weren't for the fact I live in Texas and this is the most amount of snow they have recieved in the past few decades! I'm not usually one for snow having grown up in three of the coldest states in the States, but it was nice gettting to play out in the snow, sit around doing nothing, and of course sleeping in. Not to mention since today is a teacher in-service say, my school got an unexpected five day weekend! Our own little Winter Break :)

And my last bit of news, but far from the least, is actually my biggest news of all: I was accepted into the University of North Texas!! I can't tell you how happy I was to recieve that thick envelope after getting BS in the mail for a whole year. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when I read, "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for the 2010 Fall semester at the University of North Texas...". I hadn't been so sure about college until I got that letter and now even cafeteria food and sleeping in a dorm sounds fantastic! Sortof.

There's just one tinny problem. I have no money. As I have been told, my parents cannot pay for college (which is understandable), and they can't sign a student loan for me because of their bad credit (which doesn't make sense to me, but hey if they can't then they can't), so almost all of my college money will either come from scholarships (most of the good ones having been closed) and FASFA (which probably won't give me a lot of money because of my parent's income) and out of my own pocket (which isn't likely because I can't seem to get a single job where I am, based on my lack of experience and high competition with a whole bunch of teenagers/college students/unemployed adults). I feel like someone gave me an escape, tickets nesttled in my hands, only to have it snatched away because of my lack of money. Oh and I know about the whole "If you want it bad enough..." speech, trust me. I just don't want it to come down to my working three jobs and living with my crumbling home life.

I want to get out, and really dive deep into the new chapter of my life. Not even a new chapter but a new volume, because either way that last one took way too long. I really want to go to UNT. Then again, I also want a private dorm with no roomate, to take as many classes as I want, a decent job, and a better social life. And come to think of it I'd like an iPod, a ferrari, a jetpack, my own personal butler, a jet, and a GD unicorn!

But I won't get anything just by wanting it. I know I gotta earn it, I know I gotta do all I can to get it, but want I don't know is if I'll get it even if i try. A student loan would definitely come in handy, but I wouldn't be able to get a job and pay it off. I don't even know what I want to be, and my income in that career would definitely be a factor.

I often wonder if it would just be easier for me to become a housewife, pop out a few kids, and spend the rest of my life cattering to them and my husband. It's a lot easier, a lot cheaper, you don't need to apply or have a resume, you don't have competition of rich kids stealing what you deserve, and you'll have the rest of your life plotted out so why worry about the future. But in the end I know I deserve more than that.

Everything has been so confusing lately. My friendships, my family, my relationship with my boyfriend, my school life, my fading college life, my future. Everything. What I wouldn't give to just start all over, knowing what I do now, and do it all over again to make sure everything goes right. I guess if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't be satisfied until I went back to my own birth, but even then it might not matter anymore. I would still be me, and if I didn't want that then I'd basically be saying I wish I wasn't born.

I have these bouts of happiness and philisophical feelings, coupled with frustration, confusion, anxiety, and hoplessness. Who am I kidding, I'm not the only teenage girl who has ever felt this -- heck, even the only person who has ever felt this way, not by a long shot, so I certainly shouldn't act like it. One would say to just get over it, pick yourself up and not be so mopey, but I can't help it. I've felt this way since my sophomore year, and going to college might not fix it. I wish everything could work out the way I want it to.

I read on some horoscope of mine that I'd never be satisfied. That once I got what I wanted, it wouldn't be good enough, and I would just keep wanting more, and keep moving onto new things. What happens when I get to the glass ceiling? When I can't get anymore, when no amount of money, love, people, or materials will make me happy or fulfilled? Can someone like me ever be fulfilled? Does that mean I even deserve the things I have?

If you know the answer to any of these I guess you've solved my eighteen years of life. I might not figure these things out until it's too late; but I sure hope I found out much earlier then that.

Too much philosophy for one night.
I think that's a good enough post for now. Thanks.


tCC.