Well isn't this little corner of the Internet dead. I have been very inconsiderate of you four sad people following this blog, although I assure you nothing too interesting has been missed.
I could go over what has happened these past few months, but I' d prefer to save my time and a lot of boredom for you and just skip all that to get out the hunk of what has been cluttering up my mind as of late. Of course, if I were to convey the actual length and amount of my lady thoughts, I don't think the universe itself could compete with it's mass and rate of expansion. So instead I give you as many nutshells as I can.
First thing on my agenda is not the only thing crossing my mind, but many other people my age. What I am referring is the eminent event of graduation and (hopefully) college. With me, I have mixed feelings about graduation. There is one particular instance I always remember when thinking about the subject is when I was back in Pennsylvania, enrolling in my second elementary school. After I had completed my enrollment the woman at the counter informed me of the year of my graduation, "two-thousand and ten" she said. At the time that was completely unfathomable to me. 2010? That'll take forever! It'll never come, don't tell me that!
And yet here I sit, a 18 year old senior in high school, with no real prospects other than I'm going to graduate the easiest part of life. Guess forever didn't take that long.
My mixed feelings stem from two things I think: thinking over my past, and wondering about my future, two normal things to ponder about, no? But with those two together I'm not so sure if I want to graduate. Overall I don't think my public school life has been peaches n' cream, but it hasn't been a Hell ride either. It almost seems a little surreal and even anti-climactic. I'll graduate, but that won't make me a different person. I won't look or feel different; shit, I won't even be special. And even with that, I'm absolutely scared to graduate. I don't want to leave my public school life. No it hasn't been perfect, or even fun most of the time. But it's all I've ever known. It might just be the cynic in me talking, but once I graduate there aren't going to be a lot of people lending their hands (not like they were anyway). I won't have a safety net anymore. I'll start to see the world's real colors, only this time they'll be dumped on me, rather than just accidentally shone like they have been all year.
Another thing about my graduation is the even that has been looming around it. My entire family knows about it. It's been this giant shit stain that no body bothers to talk about, but every now and then one person will elude to a cleaner or carpet in general but the conversation is immediately changed or quiet after that.
Divorce. Millions of families nowadays are getting them, it's the latest trend! And now it's happening to my family. I won't go into how I see my parents act and feel about one another, but I will put in my two cents about it.
I don't like it. Obviously, but at the same time I also don't know how to feel about this either. I feel like my parents don't feel like I'm old enough to handle them talking about it to me, or even they act like it's none of my business. And I know they're waiting until I graduate until they bring it out into the open, otherwise they wouldn't be eluding to my mom moving out and my dad taking her name off the house.
Just a week ago my mom commented on how she couldn't wait until my graduation, that way my dad and she wouldn't have to go to graduations anymore. Thanks mom, you make me feel so appreciated for being your last child to graduate. But hey, no more graduations is way better!
I feel like this looming event is taking away from something I actually wanted to be happy, if not bittersweet. I've talked about all this to my school's therapist (more on that another time), and she's helped me come to my own conclusion. I'm not gonna like it, but I think I'm gonna be the one to bring this all up to my parents. I have the right to speak up if it involves my own graduation and my own family.
Not even two years ago my family and I ate around our kitchen table every night, talking and eating and laughing for a good two hours. We even had family game night.
Now we barely ever see each other anymore, even those living in the house already, and when we do it's usually nothing in particular or for us to argue and yell. I can't live like this anymore. I hate not having any place to go. I feel trapped in my own room; it's the only place I feel moderately comfortable but I get cabin fever just being in here for 20 minutes.
I hate how I feel around my family, I hate how we're not talking about any of this, how this divorce is just a part of life and is just gonna happen under the radar.
I have so much more to say about this, and plenty of other things, but I'm tired and my arm is starting to hurt from typing.
Hopefully I'll post another entry within a month.
tCC.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Most ardently.
My mind is in a lot of turmoil right now, so why not write a blog?
It's been nearly a month since my last post, and I blame my insecurity and perfectionist ways. I have tried to upload a post a good five or six times but I always ended up stopping because I thought they weren't witty enough, didn't sound right, or I just plain couldn't put up with them anymore, so I scrapped them. That, and I would go back after writing a sentence and keep changing everything around until I had read the words so many times I didn't know what sounded right anymore.
Regardless, here I am, and I'm gonna try to finish this post this time, and upload it, no matter how boring or uneventful it might be.
Speaking of events, there have been quite a few ones that have happened in the past month, so I'll give you a quick synopsis: January 21 was the Eddie Izzard standup show at the American Airlines Center and my attendance, as well as my friend Hannah and her dad's, was all as a birthday present from my dad (I don't think I've laughed so hard, I was weezing by the end of the night); January 22 marked the first time I had ever given blood at a blood donation, and it certainly won't be the last. Funny fact, I found out I am more of a trooper about needles and blood then my own boyfriend! (that, and I found out that I am A-); January 23 was a not so happy day, but a big one still, since it was the first time I had taken the SAT test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except the Guyer* kids were really getting on my nerves (oh, and in case you were wondering, I got a 1570 on my test :D )
The following week on January 28 was my eighteenth birthday, and I'm not being melodramatic when I saw it was quite possibly the worst birthday I had the misfortune of having; however, I won't go into details, because that is being melodramatic. Two boring weeks went by, and lo and behold! my boyfriend is finally able to visit after not seeing him for about 6 weeks, even though he came one day and left the next. This was this past weekend for Valentine's Day, and I'll have you know a teddy bear, card, box of chocolates/candy, and flowers for the holiday are still very much appreciated <3
Oh and I almost forgot to mention, last Thursday and Friday were both snow days in which my area recieved over 6 inches of snow. Now this wouldn't be a very big deal if it weren't for the fact I live in Texas and this is the most amount of snow they have recieved in the past few decades! I'm not usually one for snow having grown up in three of the coldest states in the States, but it was nice gettting to play out in the snow, sit around doing nothing, and of course sleeping in. Not to mention since today is a teacher in-service say, my school got an unexpected five day weekend! Our own little Winter Break :)
And my last bit of news, but far from the least, is actually my biggest news of all: I was accepted into the University of North Texas!! I can't tell you how happy I was to recieve that thick envelope after getting BS in the mail for a whole year. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when I read, "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for the 2010 Fall semester at the University of North Texas...". I hadn't been so sure about college until I got that letter and now even cafeteria food and sleeping in a dorm sounds fantastic! Sortof.
There's just one tinny problem. I have no money. As I have been told, my parents cannot pay for college (which is understandable), and they can't sign a student loan for me because of their bad credit (which doesn't make sense to me, but hey if they can't then they can't), so almost all of my college money will either come from scholarships (most of the good ones having been closed) and FASFA (which probably won't give me a lot of money because of my parent's income) and out of my own pocket (which isn't likely because I can't seem to get a single job where I am, based on my lack of experience and high competition with a whole bunch of teenagers/college students/unemployed adults). I feel like someone gave me an escape, tickets nesttled in my hands, only to have it snatched away because of my lack of money. Oh and I know about the whole "If you want it bad enough..." speech, trust me. I just don't want it to come down to my working three jobs and living with my crumbling home life.
I want to get out, and really dive deep into the new chapter of my life. Not even a new chapter but a new volume, because either way that last one took way too long. I really want to go to UNT. Then again, I also want a private dorm with no roomate, to take as many classes as I want, a decent job, and a better social life. And come to think of it I'd like an iPod, a ferrari, a jetpack, my own personal butler, a jet, and a GD unicorn!
But I won't get anything just by wanting it. I know I gotta earn it, I know I gotta do all I can to get it, but want I don't know is if I'll get it even if i try. A student loan would definitely come in handy, but I wouldn't be able to get a job and pay it off. I don't even know what I want to be, and my income in that career would definitely be a factor.
I often wonder if it would just be easier for me to become a housewife, pop out a few kids, and spend the rest of my life cattering to them and my husband. It's a lot easier, a lot cheaper, you don't need to apply or have a resume, you don't have competition of rich kids stealing what you deserve, and you'll have the rest of your life plotted out so why worry about the future. But in the end I know I deserve more than that.
Everything has been so confusing lately. My friendships, my family, my relationship with my boyfriend, my school life, my fading college life, my future. Everything. What I wouldn't give to just start all over, knowing what I do now, and do it all over again to make sure everything goes right. I guess if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't be satisfied until I went back to my own birth, but even then it might not matter anymore. I would still be me, and if I didn't want that then I'd basically be saying I wish I wasn't born.
I have these bouts of happiness and philisophical feelings, coupled with frustration, confusion, anxiety, and hoplessness. Who am I kidding, I'm not the only teenage girl who has ever felt this -- heck, even the only person who has ever felt this way, not by a long shot, so I certainly shouldn't act like it. One would say to just get over it, pick yourself up and not be so mopey, but I can't help it. I've felt this way since my sophomore year, and going to college might not fix it. I wish everything could work out the way I want it to.
I read on some horoscope of mine that I'd never be satisfied. That once I got what I wanted, it wouldn't be good enough, and I would just keep wanting more, and keep moving onto new things. What happens when I get to the glass ceiling? When I can't get anymore, when no amount of money, love, people, or materials will make me happy or fulfilled? Can someone like me ever be fulfilled? Does that mean I even deserve the things I have?
If you know the answer to any of these I guess you've solved my eighteen years of life. I might not figure these things out until it's too late; but I sure hope I found out much earlier then that.
Too much philosophy for one night.
I think that's a good enough post for now. Thanks.
tCC.
It's been nearly a month since my last post, and I blame my insecurity and perfectionist ways. I have tried to upload a post a good five or six times but I always ended up stopping because I thought they weren't witty enough, didn't sound right, or I just plain couldn't put up with them anymore, so I scrapped them. That, and I would go back after writing a sentence and keep changing everything around until I had read the words so many times I didn't know what sounded right anymore.
Regardless, here I am, and I'm gonna try to finish this post this time, and upload it, no matter how boring or uneventful it might be.
Speaking of events, there have been quite a few ones that have happened in the past month, so I'll give you a quick synopsis: January 21 was the Eddie Izzard standup show at the American Airlines Center and my attendance, as well as my friend Hannah and her dad's, was all as a birthday present from my dad (I don't think I've laughed so hard, I was weezing by the end of the night); January 22 marked the first time I had ever given blood at a blood donation, and it certainly won't be the last. Funny fact, I found out I am more of a trooper about needles and blood then my own boyfriend! (that, and I found out that I am A-); January 23 was a not so happy day, but a big one still, since it was the first time I had taken the SAT test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except the Guyer* kids were really getting on my nerves (oh, and in case you were wondering, I got a 1570 on my test :D )
The following week on January 28 was my eighteenth birthday, and I'm not being melodramatic when I saw it was quite possibly the worst birthday I had the misfortune of having; however, I won't go into details, because that is being melodramatic. Two boring weeks went by, and lo and behold! my boyfriend is finally able to visit after not seeing him for about 6 weeks, even though he came one day and left the next. This was this past weekend for Valentine's Day, and I'll have you know a teddy bear, card, box of chocolates/candy, and flowers for the holiday are still very much appreciated <3
Oh and I almost forgot to mention, last Thursday and Friday were both snow days in which my area recieved over 6 inches of snow. Now this wouldn't be a very big deal if it weren't for the fact I live in Texas and this is the most amount of snow they have recieved in the past few decades! I'm not usually one for snow having grown up in three of the coldest states in the States, but it was nice gettting to play out in the snow, sit around doing nothing, and of course sleeping in. Not to mention since today is a teacher in-service say, my school got an unexpected five day weekend! Our own little Winter Break :)
And my last bit of news, but far from the least, is actually my biggest news of all: I was accepted into the University of North Texas!! I can't tell you how happy I was to recieve that thick envelope after getting BS in the mail for a whole year. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when I read, "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for the 2010 Fall semester at the University of North Texas...". I hadn't been so sure about college until I got that letter and now even cafeteria food and sleeping in a dorm sounds fantastic! Sortof.
There's just one tinny problem. I have no money. As I have been told, my parents cannot pay for college (which is understandable), and they can't sign a student loan for me because of their bad credit (which doesn't make sense to me, but hey if they can't then they can't), so almost all of my college money will either come from scholarships (most of the good ones having been closed) and FASFA (which probably won't give me a lot of money because of my parent's income) and out of my own pocket (which isn't likely because I can't seem to get a single job where I am, based on my lack of experience and high competition with a whole bunch of teenagers/college students/unemployed adults). I feel like someone gave me an escape, tickets nesttled in my hands, only to have it snatched away because of my lack of money. Oh and I know about the whole "If you want it bad enough..." speech, trust me. I just don't want it to come down to my working three jobs and living with my crumbling home life.
I want to get out, and really dive deep into the new chapter of my life. Not even a new chapter but a new volume, because either way that last one took way too long. I really want to go to UNT. Then again, I also want a private dorm with no roomate, to take as many classes as I want, a decent job, and a better social life. And come to think of it I'd like an iPod, a ferrari, a jetpack, my own personal butler, a jet, and a GD unicorn!
But I won't get anything just by wanting it. I know I gotta earn it, I know I gotta do all I can to get it, but want I don't know is if I'll get it even if i try. A student loan would definitely come in handy, but I wouldn't be able to get a job and pay it off. I don't even know what I want to be, and my income in that career would definitely be a factor.
I often wonder if it would just be easier for me to become a housewife, pop out a few kids, and spend the rest of my life cattering to them and my husband. It's a lot easier, a lot cheaper, you don't need to apply or have a resume, you don't have competition of rich kids stealing what you deserve, and you'll have the rest of your life plotted out so why worry about the future. But in the end I know I deserve more than that.
Everything has been so confusing lately. My friendships, my family, my relationship with my boyfriend, my school life, my fading college life, my future. Everything. What I wouldn't give to just start all over, knowing what I do now, and do it all over again to make sure everything goes right. I guess if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't be satisfied until I went back to my own birth, but even then it might not matter anymore. I would still be me, and if I didn't want that then I'd basically be saying I wish I wasn't born.
I have these bouts of happiness and philisophical feelings, coupled with frustration, confusion, anxiety, and hoplessness. Who am I kidding, I'm not the only teenage girl who has ever felt this -- heck, even the only person who has ever felt this way, not by a long shot, so I certainly shouldn't act like it. One would say to just get over it, pick yourself up and not be so mopey, but I can't help it. I've felt this way since my sophomore year, and going to college might not fix it. I wish everything could work out the way I want it to.
I read on some horoscope of mine that I'd never be satisfied. That once I got what I wanted, it wouldn't be good enough, and I would just keep wanting more, and keep moving onto new things. What happens when I get to the glass ceiling? When I can't get anymore, when no amount of money, love, people, or materials will make me happy or fulfilled? Can someone like me ever be fulfilled? Does that mean I even deserve the things I have?
If you know the answer to any of these I guess you've solved my eighteen years of life. I might not figure these things out until it's too late; but I sure hope I found out much earlier then that.
Too much philosophy for one night.
I think that's a good enough post for now. Thanks.
tCC.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A sad beginning.
This is a last minute blog made in the last few minutes of a forgettable January day in the home (in a closet) of a rather unremarkable teenage girl not fit for daytime cable or "reality" TV standards. And since it took her about five minutes to fabricate that rather unremarkable sentence, you know this is going to be a very long night.
The details of my person are of no importance except my age, what I feel is the only thing I represent: the hundreds of thousands of masses of males and females in the fourteen to nineteen age range that fit no stereotype other than the ones bestowed upon them by their generous older generations. According to statistics on news channels and newspapers and magazines most teenagers are angst and hormone filled, acting upon sex and confused identities who have no other way of expressing themselves by conforming to non-conformity (or vice versa), and thus with their ever lowering IQs turn to alcoholic parties, yelling at their parents, being disrespectful with their attitude-filled ways, and overall are molded into the angry, ignorant and misinformed consumers of our bright and hopeful future.
I feel I do not fit this typical teenage persona that the media has put on me; however, I also find no comfort in having no ties to every sub-stereotype of teenager that I am exposed to at school or in public. This would of course either make me a "Normal" or "Awkward" teenager, no? This could be argued both ways, but I don't feel like I fit into those categories either.
So what does that make me? Who do I represent in the misunderstood Teenage world? I conclude, dear reader, that I fall into no category but the endless pit of nothing, what I called No Man's Land of teenage life. My identity is not confused because it never existed, something that many teenagers across this nation, perhaps even the world feel as they see themselves placed in a mindset of bland nonethingness, yearning to be a something out of nothing.
Okay now I'm just getting overly dramatic and I haven't even stated why I made this last minute blog in the first place. I feel lost, looking for something I never had, trying to think and create about something I've never felt or seen. People have placed these adjectives on me that could fall under the same tags as "cereal", so this blog is an effort to change all of this.
I plan to post in this blog on a regular basis hopefully until I turn nineteen (a little over a year, seeing as my birthday is in eleven days) all in the effort to get out of this nasty rut that I'm stuck in and in time become a Somebody. Perhaps in the time I'm on this site I will also shed a little light on the overwhelming population of adolescents who are a little fuzzy on the statistics and regular schemas of our society. And maybe on the way I'll find a real direction for this blog, if I can't for myself.
I am not overly smart, nor charming. I have no real achievements to my name, no special skills or talents to speak of, no althetic abilities no charisma, no real passions or hobbies. Not a lot of confident or self-esteem. No weight to my name. No real worth. No importance. I am the epitamy of average, but maybe in some small way, I can improve that over the next year and become that Somebody I've always wanted to be.
Man this sounded so much better when I was tired.
Wish me luck,
tCC.
The details of my person are of no importance except my age, what I feel is the only thing I represent: the hundreds of thousands of masses of males and females in the fourteen to nineteen age range that fit no stereotype other than the ones bestowed upon them by their generous older generations. According to statistics on news channels and newspapers and magazines most teenagers are angst and hormone filled, acting upon sex and confused identities who have no other way of expressing themselves by conforming to non-conformity (or vice versa), and thus with their ever lowering IQs turn to alcoholic parties, yelling at their parents, being disrespectful with their attitude-filled ways, and overall are molded into the angry, ignorant and misinformed consumers of our bright and hopeful future.
I feel I do not fit this typical teenage persona that the media has put on me; however, I also find no comfort in having no ties to every sub-stereotype of teenager that I am exposed to at school or in public. This would of course either make me a "Normal" or "Awkward" teenager, no? This could be argued both ways, but I don't feel like I fit into those categories either.
So what does that make me? Who do I represent in the misunderstood Teenage world? I conclude, dear reader, that I fall into no category but the endless pit of nothing, what I called No Man's Land of teenage life. My identity is not confused because it never existed, something that many teenagers across this nation, perhaps even the world feel as they see themselves placed in a mindset of bland nonethingness, yearning to be a something out of nothing.
Okay now I'm just getting overly dramatic and I haven't even stated why I made this last minute blog in the first place. I feel lost, looking for something I never had, trying to think and create about something I've never felt or seen. People have placed these adjectives on me that could fall under the same tags as "cereal", so this blog is an effort to change all of this.
I plan to post in this blog on a regular basis hopefully until I turn nineteen (a little over a year, seeing as my birthday is in eleven days) all in the effort to get out of this nasty rut that I'm stuck in and in time become a Somebody. Perhaps in the time I'm on this site I will also shed a little light on the overwhelming population of adolescents who are a little fuzzy on the statistics and regular schemas of our society. And maybe on the way I'll find a real direction for this blog, if I can't for myself.
I am not overly smart, nor charming. I have no real achievements to my name, no special skills or talents to speak of, no althetic abilities no charisma, no real passions or hobbies. Not a lot of confident or self-esteem. No weight to my name. No real worth. No importance. I am the epitamy of average, but maybe in some small way, I can improve that over the next year and become that Somebody I've always wanted to be.
Man this sounded so much better when I was tired.
Wish me luck,
tCC.
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