Well isn't this little corner of the Internet dead. I have been very inconsiderate of you four sad people following this blog, although I assure you nothing too interesting has been missed.
I could go over what has happened these past few months, but I' d prefer to save my time and a lot of boredom for you and just skip all that to get out the hunk of what has been cluttering up my mind as of late. Of course, if I were to convey the actual length and amount of my lady thoughts, I don't think the universe itself could compete with it's mass and rate of expansion. So instead I give you as many nutshells as I can.
First thing on my agenda is not the only thing crossing my mind, but many other people my age. What I am referring is the eminent event of graduation and (hopefully) college. With me, I have mixed feelings about graduation. There is one particular instance I always remember when thinking about the subject is when I was back in Pennsylvania, enrolling in my second elementary school. After I had completed my enrollment the woman at the counter informed me of the year of my graduation, "two-thousand and ten" she said. At the time that was completely unfathomable to me. 2010? That'll take forever! It'll never come, don't tell me that!
And yet here I sit, a 18 year old senior in high school, with no real prospects other than I'm going to graduate the easiest part of life. Guess forever didn't take that long.
My mixed feelings stem from two things I think: thinking over my past, and wondering about my future, two normal things to ponder about, no? But with those two together I'm not so sure if I want to graduate. Overall I don't think my public school life has been peaches n' cream, but it hasn't been a Hell ride either. It almost seems a little surreal and even anti-climactic. I'll graduate, but that won't make me a different person. I won't look or feel different; shit, I won't even be special. And even with that, I'm absolutely scared to graduate. I don't want to leave my public school life. No it hasn't been perfect, or even fun most of the time. But it's all I've ever known. It might just be the cynic in me talking, but once I graduate there aren't going to be a lot of people lending their hands (not like they were anyway). I won't have a safety net anymore. I'll start to see the world's real colors, only this time they'll be dumped on me, rather than just accidentally shone like they have been all year.
Another thing about my graduation is the even that has been looming around it. My entire family knows about it. It's been this giant shit stain that no body bothers to talk about, but every now and then one person will elude to a cleaner or carpet in general but the conversation is immediately changed or quiet after that.
Divorce. Millions of families nowadays are getting them, it's the latest trend! And now it's happening to my family. I won't go into how I see my parents act and feel about one another, but I will put in my two cents about it.
I don't like it. Obviously, but at the same time I also don't know how to feel about this either. I feel like my parents don't feel like I'm old enough to handle them talking about it to me, or even they act like it's none of my business. And I know they're waiting until I graduate until they bring it out into the open, otherwise they wouldn't be eluding to my mom moving out and my dad taking her name off the house.
Just a week ago my mom commented on how she couldn't wait until my graduation, that way my dad and she wouldn't have to go to graduations anymore. Thanks mom, you make me feel so appreciated for being your last child to graduate. But hey, no more graduations is way better!
I feel like this looming event is taking away from something I actually wanted to be happy, if not bittersweet. I've talked about all this to my school's therapist (more on that another time), and she's helped me come to my own conclusion. I'm not gonna like it, but I think I'm gonna be the one to bring this all up to my parents. I have the right to speak up if it involves my own graduation and my own family.
Not even two years ago my family and I ate around our kitchen table every night, talking and eating and laughing for a good two hours. We even had family game night.
Now we barely ever see each other anymore, even those living in the house already, and when we do it's usually nothing in particular or for us to argue and yell. I can't live like this anymore. I hate not having any place to go. I feel trapped in my own room; it's the only place I feel moderately comfortable but I get cabin fever just being in here for 20 minutes.
I hate how I feel around my family, I hate how we're not talking about any of this, how this divorce is just a part of life and is just gonna happen under the radar.
I have so much more to say about this, and plenty of other things, but I'm tired and my arm is starting to hurt from typing.
Hopefully I'll post another entry within a month.
tCC.
